Sass-pot

How does a child learn a third option? By that I mean, after Anna wiped all the letters off the fridge, I asked her to please clean them up, which was followed by an abrupt "no", got down on her level, got her eyes, told her she can either clean up the letters or sit in time out, you need to listen to mommy, her choice "I go play with bugs". Sorry sister, that was not one of the choices. Then later on she doesn't like something or other, I really have no idea what but it was "NO! NO MOMMY!" --> time out, not happy. Later it was "you ugly", seriously???? The other night at the beach she had her mouth wide open going "ahhhh" trying to bite me because she was mad about who knows what. Where does this all come from???? Is it just 2? Obviously we don't talk like that at home. Coming from school? Frustrating to say the least. We feel like we're always trying to diffuse a situation before she blows , gets sassy, hits, whatever. Man it's tiring!